I’m always catching up. I must have too much to do, right? Why is it that so many seem to have an equally full life and yet they can handle it all? It finally dawned on me when I just looked at me. I stopped looking at the comparison, instead turning my gaze into my own Universe. I have a different life. I experience things differently. And I’m still healing.
As many know the long story of my decades long healing from a head injury that uprooted everything I once knew to be real. Most also know that I have migraines. Debilitating, you probably have no idea how life challenging, but that’s because I don’t talk about it. If I did, you’d cry. And I’m tired of crying myself. Plus it all just feels like trauma drama and it’s not important to ‘fix’ anything, but instead see its offering into the present moment. Yet, I’m ecstatic to see myself in present moment regardless of what I’m experiencing on the outside. This sentence is obviously not present, but present hopeful.
In my past life (prior to head injury), I was a very timely person and probably aggravated that others weren’t. I was a stickler for professionalism, being successful, having my shit together at a very young age. Thank goodness I got it out of my system before my ‘death’. Then I woke up. Over the many years I collected energetic data, through experiences. I’m not much of a literary researcher but an experiencer researcher, using my self as the subject. I’m now in my 40’s and I see all my peers owning their place in the world, being able to multitask and being efficient because if they go out one day and do their work, the next day they’re not home in bed with knife pain in their head. Well, most aren’t. But, they too will feel the same on some level, some type of pain. The pain of feeling like they need to do more and be more. I remember that. My problems then, though vastly different from now, still hold the same weight. It’s crippling. It’s never enough.
I’ve semi-learned (given I forget randomly) is not to compare, it’s impossible. It’s also insensitive not only to another but to myself. Our problems are all different but their weight is the same. What I conveniently forget is that, 1) there is no time and 2) now is all there is. Damn it. So goes my plans on…everything. Planning is the future. But I like to plan, I like to dream, I like to shoot my Sagittarian arrow into the direction of my desires. That’s all well and grand but to judge the now as not enough, that’s where I stumble.
I recently told someone my life story in about 10 minutes the other day. It was odd. I felt strange hearing it and surprised how designed it was spilling out of my mouth. As if I was reading a movie preview. Toward the end of my story, I couldn’t help but think, “huh that was really perfectly orchestrated and right on time”. Was I even talking about me? How did I not see this? Am I dead? I felt free, like I opened the door to my reality in letting another see my messy closet space. Empathy washed over me; from me. I was able to understand why I was the way I was. Just by someone offering the gift of listening. Thank you Sean/Shawn at the fairgrounds. We rarely listen, really listen without sharing our commonality in connecting with another. That’s ok, it’s perfect however we are in whatever time and space. But this moment, I was gifted an opportunity to just state my story as if I were looking at a timeline. The ‘ahha’ came from being able to hear myself. The story became less about itself and more about awakening to how timely it’s all been.
I got to hear me.
A rare occurrence for most of us.
So, yeah, I guess I am ‘late – on time’, I’m late to understanding that I’ve been ‘on time’ every moment here. Here’s to accepting where you’re at and finding success in this moment, as it’s an inside job.
A little sample about my ‘ahhas’ in telling my story to a listening new neighbor. When I heard myself talk about my disabilities without the attachment of struggle, I heard the conversation like this, “yeah it feels good to learn how to ski at the pace my toddlers learning how to ski. I can finally take my time in learning and not push myself to my expectation of where I should be”. “Yeah, most people are busy getting their kids to sporting events or building their businesses and I’m here excited that I’m learning how to drive a vehicle again – visually being able to see and embracing PTSD.” “I get to have my own Costco card again because I might be able to drive there myself, when in Colorado!” “I’ve spend the last 2 decades healing when everyone else was creating the life they wanted. I might be a bit behind the social calendar but advanced my inner world of acceptance and understanding, beyond outside influence.”
I feel light years ahead of my time table when it comes to understanding life. I’m grateful for all these experiences no matter how painful, as they’ve brought me to understanding peace in the now. Ironic to say the least.
And so it is,
Vanessa Wishstar, IM
Vanessa Wishstar ∞ Intuitive Medium
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