This surprisingly is not about an intimate relationship, rather an relationship between myself and life. There’s been so much that showed up voicing the belief that I should just give up. Yet the real question is, am I holding on? This time I wasn’t.
When things get stressful, more often than not it’s us holding on to the illusionary destiny, how we think it should turn out. We want the finale, giving ourselves a high five for surviving the drama of it all. But what if, our high five selfie was done while we loosen our grip on the wheel of life, during the supposed drama.
I recently moved to Haines, Alaska. Temporarily for the summer/fall months. This was no small feat and although I’m always up for an adventure, I’m not some free spirit that can be/do whatever I feel like. I have a lot of physical disabilities that challenge my daily doings but those aside, the challenges were more mental than physical, this time.
I had to let go of control. I am not good at this. In fact, I hate it. I try to allow it as much as possible, but when you have disabilities, you get even more controlling because your life is so out of control. I do have to add, control manifests differently throughout time, at least for me. What I seeked to control in my younger years, is so irrelevant now a days it’s humorous. I can’t wait to see what’s funny 20 yrs from now because currently I’m not laughing.
This gypsy lifestyle of moving back and forth from Alaska to Colorado was supposed to be fun – all of it. I forgot the part about actually moving and how much that sucks. I mean who in the world likes to move, schleppin all their belongs back and forth…with a spirited toddler? It’s so different when it’s just you, I’ve lived that for a long time, but add someone who has strong opinions in which they share, protesting every 10 min, on top of your daily stress. Let’s just say, it’s challenging. What was I thinking? Oh yeah, I wasn’t, I was just flowing.
So, everything that could go wrong, went wrong. I started to write another article on listing out all the drama that took place before we did our big move and it was so horrific, you’d cry. Heck, I was crying enough, no need to flood the river of tears. In summery about 3 weeks prior to moving, my husband had a job position change, which we had to rework our health insurance (something you NEED in Alaska) and other issues in that category like getting paid less, etc. He also went temporarily blind and was in the hospital for it because he ripped his cornea, at 1am in the morning while it just snowed 1.5 feet and our vehicles are blocked in by the new (used) F350 we just bought and now doesn’t start. We ended up calling our neighbor who drove him to the ER at 4 am, in the slick May snowstorm. During these past months, we’ve been trying to finish the remodel of the 5th wheel in which we’ll be living in and that was an impossible task, just scraping our ‘to do’ list and doing the very, very minimum. Who cares if the toilet, sinks, water, shower doesn’t work, or if there are leaks in the roof when you’re going to an arctic jungle? Right? Or if the used F350 truck doesn’t have a 5th wheel hitch on it and bad tires and now won’t start, we’ll just get a mule and forge ahead! Literally 2 days before we leave the truck finally gets fixed. Oh and the temporary license along with a million trips to Home Depot. You know we live in the mountains of Colorado, so that’s a 40 min trip one way just to get there. Then when emptying our crawl space in our CO home, trying to remember what to bring to AK I discover important documents sitting in water that is rivering its way through. Turns out our water heater decided to rust a few holes and create a lovely water fountain through our stuff. Around this same time, we had a massive lightening storm and us along with many of our neighbors had our houses zapped when they re-turned on the electricity. “What’s that smell?” “Oh just electronics that fried and fuses that blew, rendering our living quarters unlivable for a few days.” Who needs to shower anyhow or wash clothes when you’re a week away from moving? It felt like this might be a sign. An obvious one.
I’m a strong believer and master of signs and symbology because I’ve had so much personal experience from it. Most would consider this, just that. But for us it wasn’t. Everyone I talked to, felt it would be best if we postponed this wild adventure for a later time when things settled down (and Mercury wasn’t even in retrograde, yet it sounds more like Neptune was). The problem with that, is it wasn’t so much a choice in the matter. We were already moving, you can’t really stop that train, it’s not a vacation.
And that sealed the deal. I had to correct so many – including myself that this wasn’t a vacation, this was a move! We’re still working full time, we’re still doing daily life and still cramming in as much play/peace time as possible. Our goal was to move here during the summer/fall to fix up our remote lake AK cabin, but live in town so we can work (via internet) = paying the bills. We currently live in our 5th wheel in a trailer park with million dollar views in Haines, AK, it really is the high life…for us.
So, when we try to figure out if we should stay or should go, in life, I think we’re focusing on the incorrect question. It’s not about the physical outcome, but where we’re ‘white knuckling’ it? Where are we holding onto the steering wheel trying to direct it because we’re so afraid of if we didn’t? It’s a self driving car (Source/God/Universe) and we keep on fiddling with the navigation system, avoiding potholes yet getting tangled in barbed wire fences. From my experience, I found my awakening came when I addressed what I was really afraid of. It wasn’t life happening and not having control, that was the jacket cover of the book. Instead it was that I couldn’t control, everything I feared. And I feared a lot. I wrote it out, so I could let it go. I also asked others how they dealt with their life disasters of when things didn’t work out. Most of them quit, this was perfect, this was needed. They canceled their house being built, they canceled their vacations, they did what was required yet for some reason, that wasn’t what was required for us. It was just hard. If we weren’t supposed to go, the truck wouldn’t of gotten fixed, etc. So that’s how I position it, I know the Universe communicates with us all on that level. And it’s loud and clear when we listen.
Are we listening or having a temper tantrum?
So, if you want answers, stop asking what you should do and instead pay attention to what’s already given. Follow the Universe’s guidance, do what’s in front of you. Don’t project, don’t get lost in your ‘doings’, just place one foot in front of the other and pay attention to the road signs along the way, you’ll never get lost.
GPS it (Great Present Spirit),
Vanessa Wishstar, IM
Vanessa Wishstar ∞ Intuitive Medium
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