I was recently shamed.
After I felt the hurt, I felt the turn around. Not just in response to the perpetrator, but where I was truthfully ashamed and he was *right.
Instead of denial, I went inside myself to find where I agreed with him, but it wasn’t in the same context of his original statement. You see, where I felt shame was the entirety of the situation. He was the messenger helping me to get there, if I used him correctly. So, yes I felt shame. I felt the shame of being vulnerable, of feeling all of it, even the parts he would never be able to feel. I felt the pain, the continued suffering and the shame of suffering as what happened to me personally wasn’t as bad as others. I feel that everyday. I have to live with that and rediscover again and again how pain has no measure.
Let it be loudly said, again, that there is no trumping the loss of a being. So, when I speak, I cannot speak from that space as I’d never want to disrespect that loss that can never be replaced in any way, shape or form. But that’s never what I’m speaking about because it’s not mine and I won’t shadow that space, only create a platform for others for when it’s ready to be voiced.
Aside from that, what I’m speaking up about is shame through the story that we’ve lived through. The parasites of density seemingly attracted to ones lightness, ones rising. I welcome their message, while simultaneously reading INTO it. Flipping it around, Rubik’s Cubing their words to make a new inquiry so I can decode my own magick message.
“You’ve milked this long enough. You should be ashamed of yourself.”
(He’s talking in response to a post that I wrote on FB via a tv show – Gold Rush where they’ve televised awareness about the Haines, AK landslide and I’ve been vocal about our collective *suffering.)
In my head and heart, I feel punched by his worthless words (this isn’t the first time from him), crippling the one leg I’m standing on. This never feels easy, authenticity rarely does. But as I sway between feeling pain and rage, I see a twinkling of truth.
I refuse to hate him, though that would feel so much better. I also refuse to listen to him. What I do instead is USE him for what he is offering – an inside job. I go within to find where I am feeling shame and notice my bravery.
I am continually blamed by several people for sharing this journey even while I am completely transparent that it’s not just mine. But that might be exactly why. For some, pain feels isolating as if it were just happening to one. You feel pain’s weight but you also feel the love and support that comes from it so you tend to want to hold onto it. Sharing that is extremely vulnerable because in a sense you’re letting it go, out of your control.
There’s nothing more to say, but only to feel.
*If you’re interested in learning the workings of life within the highest of consciousness, then connect with me for my upcoming course: Empowering Your Intuition.
Vanessa Wishstar, Intuitive Medium & Spirit Guide