If you look at the word, ‘responsibility’, you can see that when peeled apart it’s the ability to respond. Not react, but respond. There’s a difference.
I’m uber responsible. It’s a control thing probably, as I had a head injury at 22 and life dramatically changed, including my fancy footwork of carefreeness. But even then, I was responsible, but not in a nerdy way rather in a ‘get me the hell out of high school’ way. I craved freedom, still do. So what looks like drive and responsibility is merely a facade of needing to advance my life, rarely being comfortable in where I’m at.
When I got my license to drive at 16yrs old, the first thing I did, was go to the grocery store and buy food, with my hard earned money, so I could feel self sufficient. I was a maniac in fast forwarding the awkward teenage years. To me, that time was useless and unproductive. As soon as I got my moonstral (period), though I fought it tooth and nail and then skipping a month, thinking God really did answer my prayers in taking it back, but then I felt my youth disappear down the toilet. I wanted to get this show (life) on the road. So I did. I shifted my drive into 5th gear and drove across country to meet my destiny.
Along the way of getting what I wanted, responsibility furthered my success yet I didn’t understand that it shouldn’t be for everything, including things outside of my control. And that’s where the idea began that I’m ‘responsible for all the wrong things’. I thought I was irresponsible that I didn’t tell my friend to pull over our car because psychically I had a vision just prior to our accident. It was me trying to prevent life happening (car accident) and I had horrific guilt about that even though she wouldn’t of listened. I thought I was being responsible by not taking migraine medicine, polluting my body yet suffering was unbearable. I thought I was being responsible by being vigilant in what I expose my body to, never varying to eat a piece of chocolate even if I believed it would give me a migraine, not realizing how it could of helped me. The list goes on and on. The point is, I was protecting myself, a job that is not mine.
My son was born in this moment of awakening. I contribute his birth and existence to letting go of my self inflicted responsibility. In fact, he forced this epiphany to happen, I had no choice, essentially, as life was happening at a rapid pace, too fast for me to control anything. My responsibility turned into having to trust. This is not where I’m comfortable.
I could no longer hold on to being uber responsible, I had to hand it over, sometimes to another being, sometimes to Source, both are the same. I was helpless, which means to HELP – LESS! Another dislike. Did I have a choice? No. But what I found was that, where I was *trying to be responsible, was me doing the Universe’s job. It was not my responsibility how things turned out, but what was my responsibility is how I showed up. Was I present, was I non blaming, was I allowing ‘what is’ to be exactly as is? Nope.
So, our job is to be responsible for our responses to life, not life itself. And when we’re present in neutral, we can feel Source pulsate through us, making the most poignant decisions with ‘what is’ occurring with grace. This is us, in our power.
Vanessa Wishstar, IM
Vanessa Wishstar ∞ Intuitive Medium
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